did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
