Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
