Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
