yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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