i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
