Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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