I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
sex in a hospital.. check
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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