Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
