Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
