He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
