Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
