mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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