me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
