My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
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He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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