you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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