You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I have feelings that need drinking.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
