Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
