I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
