At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
