Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
