i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
