I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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