the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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