The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
