When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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