Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Randomize
