could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
