Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
