I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Bang-toberfest begins!!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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