R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
