Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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