i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
