I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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