Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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