...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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