Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
