At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
