I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
