i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
