Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
