Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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