apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
