Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
