dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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