remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
