I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
