somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
