Tell her she can't have a vagina
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
