my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
