At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
my shit smells like andre
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
