If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
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Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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