i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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