no you cant smoke seaweed
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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