I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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