I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
