This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
