You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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