How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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