It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
