so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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