mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
did you just send me my own nude
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
