don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
