im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
