Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?