I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
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he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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